the scene.
Shattered heart, pieces of memories of you scattered all over, trying to put them together in regret, we didn’t make enough.
November 2023
The end gallery, Auckland NZ
“i am okay” is the biggest lie i’ve ever told
{ k g o t s o }
the scene
two thousand and twenty three
number four exhibition
shattered heart, pieces of memories of you scattered all over, trying to put them together in regret we didn’t make enough
a series by cobi tfj bosch
"the scene" is an emotionally charged exhibition that serves as a raw and intimate exploration of loss, regret, and the devastating impact of suicide.
through a series of installations, artist Cobi tfj Bosch invites visitors to step into the deeply personal space where he received the heartbreaking phone call informing him of his brother's tragic decision.
this exhibition aims to raise awareness about mental health, particularly among men, while providing a cathartic and healing experience for the artist and viewers alike.
the morning of the news, the artist is depicted sitting on the floor, knees tucked in between the legs of the stool. at the centre of attention is the artist's mobile phone, positioned within his line of sight. the last message from his brother is displayed on the screen, capturing the poignant moment frozen in time. accompanying the phone, an empty mug is placed, revealing a gold bullet - that symbolize the disarray and turbulence of emotions.
adjacent to the installation, a pair of slippers is positioned behind the artist, reminiscent of a prayer-like stance. this placement signifies the artist's search for solace and a plea for understanding in the face of tragedy.
through this powerful installation, Cobi tfj Bosch invites visitors to empathize with the depth of his grief and reflect on the broader issue of mental health among men. by sharing his personal experience, he hopes to encourage open conversations, promote empathy, and foster an environment of support and healing.
the stool: “on knees” - seated with legs tucked beneath, i encountered a stool, its legs bearing sharp spikes, a symbol of my brother's struggles. Its glazed surface forms a maze, mirroring his tumultuous journey. in each spike and curve, i see his tenacity, an embodiment of resilience. this art honours his strength and speaks to the universal battles we face in life's intricate maze.
the mobile: “aih my Boetie” - i find myself captivated by the screen, where my brother's final message lingers. it becomes a portal to relive the painful conversation with my eldest sibling, sharing the tragic news of our brother's suicide. in this silent moment, i mourn.
mug & reeve: “religious”- beside me rests an empty mug, a relic of routine shattered by shocking news. in our home, coffee is a sacred ritual, every gathering marked by a cup. this mug, adorned with the word "god" and an encircling olive tree, now holds a golden bullet—a poignant symbol of his chosen path.
slippers & clouds: “in prayer”- behind me, at my feet, my slippers rest, akin to a prayerful pause. they bear a whimsical charm, adorned with clouds and glazed farm animals, a tribute to my brother's joyful moments. a golden landscape of fields and blue skies recalls his happiest days, etched in this simple footwear.
curtain: “grief is a messy thing my dear” - the pojagi curtain intentionally exposes its seams, left bare and unravelling, symbolising the unvarnished truth: grief is untidy and chaotic.
domes: “stages of grief” - nested domes represent emotions and stages of grief. the outermost, polished and presentable, conceals deeper, less pristine layers beneath, echoing the raw, less refined aspects of the emotional journey.
shirt: “heart on my sleeve” - this shirt's seams intentionally unravel outward, mirroring life's unexpected unravels. the chest bears a five-line poem, marking my five cries today, while the embroidered sleeve counts them off—a wearable narrative of emotions and their tangible impact.
embroidery & heart: “heavy heart” - heavy hearts, your absence weighs upon us, dear brother. a sombre darkness lingers, enveloping cherished memories of our youth. today, only these memories endure, a testament to your indelible place in our hearts.
poems: “goodbye & left same thing?" - two poems, etched in black ink on white canvas, echo our sense of loss. the stencilled text symbolizes the fading of ink, akin to the fading of all things with time. are "goodbye" and "left" interchangeable, both signifying a profound departure from what once was?
a hand rest on my shoulder
awakening thunderstorms in me
i can’t remember your voice
your eyes are green
your hair mouse brown
trembling breath
rip it out
it hurts to much
my heart
it is to heavy for my chest
to carry
slash it out
black hole
embraced by ribcage
in the hallow
i ask for
the sound of your
voice whilst playing guitar
{ k g o t s o }
grief is the
loneliest suffering
my heart has ever encountered
{ k g o t s o }
making memories without you
is the heaviest reality.
{ k g o t s o }
your death is
sitting on my chest
pressing down
an invisible
concrete skyscraper
{ k g o t s o }
if i didn’t know the
destruction
it leaves behind
i would have closed my eyes
took your hand in mine
and jumped with you
{ k g o t s o
sitting on the chair
staring to the outside blue
the green lawn is defrosting
outside the sun shining bright yellow
looking on the inside
heavy concrete grey
tar like black dark
a silent scream of cry
overwhelming fear
of not being able to return
to whom I was before
before you cracked my heart
into a million little pieces
scattered
splintered
glitter
{ k g o t s o }
you didn’t even say
goodbye
and for that
i will forever
be heartsick
{ k g o t s o }
making memories without you
is the heaviest reality
{ k g o t s o }
my heart
my heart
is getting too heavy
too heavy to carry with me
im slowly tearing at the seams
unknowingly ripping flesh from carcass
bursting out of chest frame
exploding uncontrollably
tearing
tear
ripping
rip
bursting
burst
exploding
explode
my heart
for you
{ k g o t s o }
how do i miss you without breaking
{ k g o t s o }
i know your love
can numb this unbearable pain
{ k g o t s o }
let me be
here’s to the other side
let me be
run your white lines around my body
let me be
lay your white sheet soft over my face
let me be
tie your name tag around my big toe
let me be
lay me on your sterile stainless steel table
let me be
let me
be
{ k g o t s o }
i love you
turned into being your
last goodbye
to me
{ k g o t s o }
this morning
cleaned my wardrobe
on a wooden hanger
blue and white blocked shirt
yours
perfume trapped so clear
it felt like you were here
next to me
you
for a split second
next to me
i cried
again
for you
{ k g o t s o }
i cried five times today
while making a cup of coffee
in the shower, twice
at the green traffic light
whilst listening to a random song
that was only today since you left
{ k g o t s o }